Are you a high school student, university student, or working professional? Do you feel you've chosen a course of study or a field of work that aligns with your interests? Have you acquired the theoretical and technical knowledge that allows you to work in this field? That said, do you feel something is missing for you to feel completely comfortable and integrated into the workplace? At school, you learn knowledge and skills. But what about soft skills and your ability to identify, understand, and manage your emotions? Don't you think that a professional who seems self-assured, respectful, confident, assertive, and considerate of others' opinions, situations, and feelings is a professional who manages stress better, makes better decisions, and has high-quality interpersonal relationships?
If that's the case, then I encourage you to read the rest of this article. It will give you the tools to make your emotions and those of others allies and key factors in your success at work.
1. What is emotional intelligence and what can it do for you?
Emotional intelligence is a skill
First, let's talk about skills. Because emotional intelligence is one of them, and a very important one. A skill is an aggregate of 4 types of knowledge. which develop, are maintained, and are enriched. A skill is therefore dynamic. Everyone can develop skills through learning. It includes knowledge (theoretical knowledge), know-how (practical knowledge), soft skills (relational behaviors) and physical abilities. In contemporary Western societies, professional expertise tends to be more valued in the workplace. We are talking here about knowledge and know-how.
What about soft skills? You've all surely observed people around you for whom teamwork and social interaction seem fluid and easy, and who aren't necessarily technical experts in their field. That's because they have developed their emotional and social skills, which are a sine qua non condition for the proper functioning of the relational process.
It's no surprise that more and more schools and businesses are incorporating courses and training programs in personal development. In a world where technical expertise will increasingly be handled by Artificial Intelligence (AI), Emotional Intelligence (EI) will become a major differentiating factor for human beings. Current robots, even in the near future, are far from being able to replicate human emotions and interactions.
Emotions, what are they?
Now, let's look at emotions. The word emotion comes to us from Latin. emovere, which means «"to set in motion"». When something pleasant or unpleasant happens, our brain sends a signal to our body to move. Generally, this is linked to one of the 4 primary emotions the most felt: fear, anger, sadness and joy. Other, slightly more complex feelings can lead to reactions such as disgust, surprise, shame, guilt…
Mary was walking home late, alone after a night out. She was suddenly accosted aggressively by two strangers. She tried to flee, running as fast as she could. She was terrified!
Ugo receives a letter informing him that he has graduated with honors. He jumps for joy and hugs his mother.
Jean learns that his office neighbor died the day before. He bursts into tears of sadness.
Maud had arranged to meet her friend in front of the cinema, but he arrived an hour late without apologizing. She raised her voice and expressed her anger.
Now, how will knowing your emotions help you in everyday life?
As you read above, basic emotions arise spontaneously and naturally; in a way, we are subject to them, acting without thinking to protect ourselves, or even to survive. Imagine letting your emotions be fully expressed in contexts where it is less clear to discern the other person's intentions. What might the consequences be?
Let's take an example: Roger arrives at his desk in the morning, his desk is empty, his belongings are gone. A wave of heat rises in his cheeks, anger surges. His desk neighbor walks by at that very moment. Roger asks him sharply, "Who touched my desk?" His neighbor replies, "Me, but…" and Roger doesn't let him finish; he unleashes his anger on his neighbor. Roger learns a few hours later that his neighbor had kindly taken the initiative to move his belongings to prevent them from being lost. Indeed, the day before, Roger had been on vacation and had forgotten that the office move was scheduled for that day…
Let's take the same example from another perspective: Roger arrives at his desk in the morning. His desk is empty; there's nothing there. A wave of heat rises in his cheeks, and anger is building. His desk neighbor walks by at that very moment. Roger feels his anger rising and takes a moment to realize that he needs to understand what happened and be reassured that he hasn't been wronged. He then asks his neighbor in a calm and polite tone, "Do you know where my things have gone? It's strange; everything has disappeared!" His neighbor replies with a smile, "Yes, I moved them to your new desk because you were absent yesterday during the move." Roger, reassured and pleasantly surprised, replies, "Oh yes, that's right. I had completely forgotten. Thank you, that's very kind of you!".
What do you think of the two examples? What are the consequences for the relationship in both cases? What impact might this have on their working relationship if they have to collaborate in the future? Also, how will Roger feel in both situations? What will be the impact on his self-perception, his well-being, and consequently, his performance?
Beyond being a passing fad, these examples demonstrate that emotional intelligence is an asset in many situations: for your health, your performance, at school, in business, with your clients and suppliers, in friendships, in family, in teams, in leisure activities and associations…
Yes, as children, we are subject to our emotions; we don't know how to put words to what we feel, and we are led to either express them excessively or internalize and repress them. In both cases, there will be physiological, psychological, and social consequences. Depending on our environment, we will grow up and become an adult who continues to be subject to their emotions or an adult who has learned to recognize and use them effectively.
Corinne Martin, in her book «"Emotion, emotion, emotion, The intelligence of emotions" – April 2019, defines emotional intelligence as an individual's ability to recognize their own emotions and those of others, and to use this information to guide their thinking and behavior effectively and optimally.
The good news is that Emotional intelligence is a skill, This means that it can be learned like any other theoretical or technical skill, and that we can continually improve. The other good news is that emotional intelligence is composed of multiple dimensions, all interdependent. When we make progress on one, we make progress on the others too!
2. Some tips to develop your emotional intelligence:
Now, the question you need to ask yourself is: how do you develop this skill? In what aspects and through what means? Below, I offer a few tips, certainly not exhaustive, but which will allow you to begin practicing.
Assess your imbalances
There are several questionnaires that measure emotional intelligence. I personally chose the EQ-I 2.0 because it stems from the work of Daniel Goleman, an American psychologist, who was one of the first to highlight the EQ (Emotional Quotient) as an essential key factor for success, even with a high IQ (Intelligence Quotient) and technical expertise. Daniel Goleman, "Emotional Intelligence" – 1995.
Furthermore, the EQ-I 2.0 is the most widely used questionnaire in the world to date, and allows for self-assessment of 5 dimensions, declined in 15 skills. This gives it considerable potential for growth and development. Below you will find the EQ-I 2.0 wheel to give you an idea.
The five dimensions directly influence well-being, performance, and social and emotional functioning. Indeed, your self-perception influences how you express yourself, which in turn impacts your relationships. Your interactions influence your decision-making and, consequently, your stress management. Your stress management impacts your self-perception, and so on.
Each of the 15 skills is assessed. As I mentioned earlier, the skills are interdependent and can influence one another. If some skills are unbalanced, it's therefore possible to use the strengths to improve the weaknesses.
For example, if you have high empathy and low assertiveness, you can potentially use your ability to put yourself in other people's shoes and to feel and consider their feelings to improve how you express your point of view, with respect and kindness.
Let's review some concrete examples.
Of course, we won't be able to work on all skills. For that, you would need to complete the questionnaire and have a debriefing session with a professional to explore personalized actions that align with your profile.
Improve your self-esteem
Many of us lack self-confidence, have a negative self-image, and struggle to be proud of our accomplishments. A few exercises and tools can help improve your self-esteem.
A tool that I use with both adults and children is the wheel of emotion. It allows one to learn to become aware of their emotions and feelings, and especially the associated need. Because Behind every emotion lies a need.
How can you love yourself if you don't understand what you're feeling and what you need to soothe your emotions? Indeed, in Roger's example above, we saw that he first felt a warmth rising in his cheeks, then identified that he was angry. What need was this anger linked to? Certainly, Roger needed respect, or communication, or belonging, or something else.
The Wheel of Emotion It allows us to take the time to reflect on our feelings, analyze them, and avoid overreacting or internalizing them only to explode later. This also helps us avoid behaviors that make us feel ashamed, foolish, or guilty, and that damage our self-esteem.
A simple exercise to help regain self-confidence is to write every day. 3 achievements you have accomplished and/or 3 character traits that you are proud of.
This helps the brain remember that you are taking positive actions that have value and give meaning to your life. This, in turn, develops your optimism and self-confidence over the long term if you practice the exercise consistently.
For example, you can write:
- I am proud to be an independent and caring person.
- I got my driver's license this week.
- My best friend thanked me yesterday for helping him complete his application for the competition
Improve the way you express yourself
We all have the choice to assert ourselves in one way or another. We are obviously influenced by our upbringing, our background, our experiences which have established patterns of behavior.
When we have something to say, to express our point of view, our needs, or to defend ourselves, we can either stay passives and to withdraw, that is, to exercise a form of handling on the other to get what we want, either to adopt a tone aggressive, or stay Assertive, that is to say, stating one's point of view and needs while respecting others.. Of course, that's often easier said than done.
There is a technique that, with practice, can help you communicate better while protecting yourself and others. Marshall B. Rosenberg is the creator of a communication process called «"Nonviolent Communication"». In his book «Words are either windows or walls» – 1999, he explains the OSBD model below.
Let's take an example: You have a team meeting every day from 9:00 to 9:30. Your colleague Samy is often late, and this irritates you greatly because you believe it contributes to the delays in the entire team's work. How will you express this to him?
Using the OSBD model, this results in:
- O "Samy, I noticed that you arrived at 9:10 on Monday, 9:12 on Tuesday, and 9:13 on Wednesday."«
- S"I feel frustrated because the meeting starts at 9:00 AM."«
- B"I need the entire team to be punctual so we can be together and successfully complete this meeting and the resulting actions."«
- D"Would you be willing to arrive at 9:00 with the others, please?"«
What do you think? Isn't this an effective and factual way to express what you feel and what you need without judging or blaming the other person? Doesn't this approach call for an equally kind response and an openness to dialogue? I encourage you to try it.
Having fulfilling social relationships
We all need to interact and feel integrated, included in a culture, a group, a team. Mutually satisfying relationships are based on a balance between who we are, respecting what is important to us, and also taking into account others, their feelings and needs, and our involvement in the life of the group.
To be socially fulfilled, it means that it's important to find the right balance between our need for independence and the use of Empathy (which is the ability to recognize, understand, and take into account what others are experiencing without identifying with their experiences)) and our involvement in the social life of the group. It's not an easy task.
There are many ways to maintain mutually satisfying relationships. I'm sharing a tool that has greatly helped me to gain perspective and serenity in this area.
In his book «"The Four Agreements" – 1997, Miguel Ruiz They provide us with the following code of conduct:
- May your word be impeccable.As we saw earlier, assertiveness is the best way to stand up for ourselves while preserving our relationships. Furthermore, gossip, criticism, and other forms of human slander can have a domino effect of negative consequences on others and ourselves. Let's stop spreading poison without thinking.
- Never make it a personal matterOne way to navigate relationships well is to start from the premise that whatever behaviors, words, and actions others may have, they must have a valid reason for doing so. And this reason, even if it affects us, is not directed against us. The person may not even be aware of the impact their actions have on us. This philosophy of thinking allows us to relax and give others the benefit of the doubt. It makes us more positive and less defensive. It develops our empathy.
- Don't make any assumptions.We tend to interpret everything and often make assumptions about other people's intentions, which leads us to ruminate endlessly and can make us aggressive. So let's not assume, let's ask! If we're unsure about something, let's go see the person to verify our impressions.
- Always do your bestTake it one day at a time; stop putting pressure on yourself about everything you do. As long as you know you've done your best, there's no need to feel guilty or incompetent. Greater self-compassion will allow you to accept your energy fluctuations, judge yourself less, be less demanding of others, and get involved in community or team activities at your own pace, with complete peace of mind.
It goes without saying that all the elements mentioned above will have an effect on how you make decisions and manage difficult situations.
How do you feel after reading this article? How motivated has it been to take better care of yourself and others? What would you think about developing your emotional intelligence on a daily basis, just like any other skill?
If that is the case, I remain at your disposal to discuss it and wish you a safe journey.
«"Without emotions, our reasoning is biased and our simplest choices can lead to aberrant decisions.". «"I think, therefore I am" is no longer enough!
If you would like to benefit from the expertise of a career and educational guidance coach, Write to us now via our contact form for a free initial exchange.
